Teen communication is never easy. But, it’s especially difficult when that teen is away at college. We’re experiencing that this year, as my daughter begins her Sophomore year of high school, and my son embarks on his journey as a Freshman in college.
I thrive on routine and we’ve got a good one going in our house as my daughter navigates school, homework and sports. But, it’s a different story three hours away from us with my son at college.
I know by now he’s developed a routine of going to classes and eating at the dining halls. And, based on the pictures I’ve seen, he’s mastered a routine for tailgating and getting to the weekend football games on time.
But what hasn’t developed into a routine yet is our communication with him. In fact, it’s just the opposite. Some days it feels like a lack of communication.
The First to fly the Coop
My son has the honor or being the first to fly the coop. Therefore, I’m trying to strike that delicate balance of communicating with him just enough but not too much. Most importantly, I want to give him his space as he spreads his wings for the first time.
But I have to wonder, is this delicate balance even possible?
I just don’t know.
To Communicate or Not to Communicate?
You see, my son started college early, this past June, for a six-week summer session. So, you’d think I’d have this communication thing all figured out by now, right? Unfortunately, that’s not the case.
Let me back up to summer session, where I decided to set the tone from the get go – telling him that we would talk by phone once a week every Sunday. Nice idea, I know, but it didn’t last. Instead, homework, school activities, and social obligations got in the way.
The six weeks of summer session went flying by and here we are – right at the start of the fall semester. So, I decided to take a simple approach – to text him him in the morning as he started his day and again in the evening to say goodnight. There was no pressure for a phone call or to FaceTime like before. After all, I already had him install a tracking app on his phone so I’d know he was safe. I didn’t want to push it too much, you know?
Sadly, my efforts fizzled out after a week of good mornings and good nights. I simply couldn’t keep up with the routine, and I don’t think he could either.
So, as much as my Type A personality is bursting at the seams, we don’t have a set routine for college communication any longer.
Now, I’m texting him as the need (or feelings) arise. For now, it’s just a random, “Hi, just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you,” or “I hope you have a good day,” type of thing.
Sometimes I get a response back – and sometimes I don’t.
When he does respond, its typically a one-word answer like “yeah,” “good,” or “ok.” And, it doesn’t matter how many questions I ask, (believe me, I’ve tried), the answers are still the same.
Letting It All Go
So, I’ve thrown in the towel. I’ve given up control – not that I had it anyway. Instead, I’ve decided to just be happy to hear from him in any shape or form. I need to adjust my expectations and accept that college communication is never routine.
Why should it matter that he seems to text me picture after picture of the food he’s eating for lunch or dinner? He’s still making contact with me, right? Instead of wishing for some long, lengthy text, I’ve decided to celebrate that small communication victory with an enthusiastic and relatively short text in reply such as “Looks good!” or “Delish!” or “Wow, that’s a better meal than what you’d get at home, lol!”
It seems that I’ve forgotten what the life of a college student is really like. It’s not all fun and games all the time. There’s homework, study groups, and of course laundry. I’m sure, like most college students, he’s busy.
Bottom line – I don’t have this college communication thing all figured out. And, I don’t know that I ever will. But that’s ok.
What I’m Learning About College Communication…
- Communicating with a college student is different for every family. What works for one family, may not work for another.
- It’s ok that I don’t have this communication thing all figured out. In fact, it’s normal. After all, this is uncharted territory for both of us.
- It’s important to be positive, upbeat, and supportive when he does contact me. I’m learning to be grateful for any type of communication — whether it’s via text, FaceTime, or a good ‘ole phone call.
- I’m learning to be more accepting of the content of his communication. Just because I send a flowery text with emojis of hearts and smiley faces, doesn’t mean I’m going to get that in return. Sometimes it’s a one word answer and sometimes it’s nothing at all!
- Laying on guilt or condemnation if he doesn’t communicate with me just doesn’t work. And, I know it’s not the type of relationship I want to have with my son.
- College communication is not routine. It can’t be. There’s just too much going on in the life of a college student. So, I’ve decided to celebrate the times when there is communication and let go of the times when there’s not.
Who knows, maybe the lessons I’ve learned so far and this laid-back approach to communication will help us in the long run. Maybe, next year, he’ll be the one wanting to communicate with me 😊.
A mom can hope, can’t she?
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