There’s so much information out there on how to parent our kids. In fact, I’ve shared some parenting advice on this blog such as how we treat our children to the challenges of letting go as our kids grow up. But, just recently, I read an article that really got my attention. In fact, it led me to make an important decision. I’ve decided there will be no more helicopter flights when parenting my kids. By that, I mean, no more hovering over my children as they make every little decision.
I’ve officially resigned from being a helicopter parent.
What is Helicopter Parenting?
You may have heard the label ‘helicopter parenting’ before. The definition of a helicopter parent is one who takes an overprotective approach to parenting their children. The analogy of a helicopter is used to describe parents who ‘hover’ over their children’s lives to the point where it becomes excessive.
According to the article entitled Kids of Helicopter Parents are Sputtering Out which you can read here, helicopter parenting has an effect on kids in a number of ways but especially when they become young adults and go off to college. And this is exactly the situation I find myself in now as my first born is a college freshman this year.
I’ve Flown the Helicopter a Time or Two
I must admit, at times I’ve been that helicopter parent in my kids’ lives. From hovering over issues centered on school, friends, or decisions they’ve made, sometimes it felt like my helicopter was on autopilot.
But I’m learning that helicopter parenting isn’t so great after all. In fact, the article reinforced what I already knew. Helicopter parenting causes parents stress and anxiety and it makes their kids feel this way too. So, this article was all the proof I needed to ground my helicopter once and for all.
The Concerns of Helicopter Parenting
At the very least, being a helicopter parent is one exhausting job. Hovering over your kids’ lives and trying to control every outcome can leave you feeling disappointed, frustrated, and just worn out. And, if you’re a helicopter parent, chances are your kids are feeling the same way too.
But, the effects of helicopter parenting go deeper than that. The article talks about helicopter parenting effects kids in their later years of life. Specifically, how it can hinder their ability to grow and thrive as young adults heading off to college.
The article highlights some of the effects of helicopter parenting…
Fear of Failure – Kids parented by helicopter moms or dads often fear making a mistake or failing. They are afraid to fall short in any area. In reality, this fear is passed down from their parents who fear their child’s failure as much as they fear their own. The end result is a need and desire to hover over their kids’ lives excessively.
The Desire to Excel – As parents, we all want our children to do well and to excel in some area. But helicopter parenting takes it to the extreme. It’s typically the parents insisting on what area their child should excel in rather than what the child desires. For example, a parent may want a child to excel in a specific sport, musical instrument, or academic subject based on their own experiences as a child. The focus becomes their needs and desires instead of those of their child.
Failure to Pursue Their Own Interests – If kids of helicopter parents are too busy pursuing interests of their parents, then they aren’t free to pursue their own interests. This can stifle creativity and hinder problem solving.
The Risk of Mental Health Issues – According to the article, kids of helicopter parents can show signs of depression or anxiety later on in life and often suffer from low self-esteem.
Lacking Skills Needed for Adulthood – The constant hovering of helicopter parents robs kids of practicing the skills they need to become strong, independent adults. When parents call all the shots, kids don’t learn to figure things out on their own. Then, they become young adults, go off to college, and lack the skills needed to cope with new situations, to problem solve, and to make decisions.
What Helicopter Parenting Means for Me
Like so many other moms, I’ve experienced what it’s like when a teen leaves the family nest to go off to college. Things change. They become a young adult. And they’re responsible for making most, if not all, of their own decisions. It’s a radical shift from the 18 years we spent raising, nurturing, and loving them. Suddenly they’re on their own.
I’m experiencing this right now as my son has an important decision to make at college. He’s selecting housing for the next school year. This is hard for me to imagine because he only started school just a few months ago. Yet, he has to now decide who he wants to live with next year and whether he wants to live on or off campus. As much as I want to land my helicopter and tell him what to do, I can’t do it anymore.
Instead, from a distance, I’m watching him problem solve on his own.
He began exploring on campus housing options as well as off campus ones too. This led to filling out apartment applications and signing a housing lease all on his own. The good news is that he wanted to do this on his own. So, instead on flying in to save the day, my husband and I offered our help if he wanted it. But in the end, he took the lead.
No Helicopter Rides in High School Either
And, I’m trading in the helicopter approach to parenting my daughter even though she’s only in high school. Recently, she had a decision to make regarding how she was going to spend her time on extracurricular activities. We prayed about the situation. She made a list of pros and cons. And, I encouraged her to pay attention to how she felt about the activity. Did she enjoy it? Did it bring her joy? But, in the end, it was her decision to make.
I won’t lie. I was tempted to fly my helicopter and land right in her confusion and straighten everything out. But I didn’t. And, as much as she wanted me to tell her what to do – I didn’t make the decision for her. Because in just a few years, she’ll be going off to college too. This small decision she makes now will give her the problem solving skills she’ll need for bigger decisions later on.
Where do I go From Here Now that I’ve Left my Helicopter Behind?
I’m not suggesting a total hands-off approach to parenting your kids, especially when they’re young and need your direction. But as a mom of a teenager and a college student, I’m learning to offer guidance but not solutions. I’m focusing on reaffirming their own ability to problem solve and make decisions. And, I’m preparing myself for the possibility that some of their decisions may not be ones I would make if I had the choice. But, in the end, they will be better for it. Because they’re on their way to becoming independent adults.
So as hard as it is, and as much as I’m struggling, I’m giving up my helicopter license. Instead, I’m giving them their own license to fly their own helicopter to whatever destination they choose. Rest assured, I won’t be standing idly by. I’ll be praying for them to discern God’s plan for their life. And, praying for patience and wisdom as I’m there to support them along the way.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. – Proverbs 3:5-6 (ESV)
Have you had experience with helicopter parenting? If so, share in the comments section below.
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