Why We Need to Pause Before Responding

Today’s Monday Inspiration is all about why we need to pause before responding and who can help us do this.

I had a choice to make. I was in a conversation where someone said a hurtful comment. You know the one that feels like an arrow is going straight to your heart? Or a scab is being pulled off an old wound? I made the choice to respond. But instead of responding, I wish I chose another way.  I wish I paused. I’m learning that there is power in a pause. It’s important to pause before responding and God can help us do it.

Looking back, I don’t think the comment was intended to be hurtful. But, unfortunately, I took it that way. So, I responded, but not in a derogatory way. Rather, in a manner of explaining myself, of feeling like I was on trial and I had to prepare my defense.

But I can’t help but think what would have happened if I just took a pause instead.

I’m sure the outcome would have been much different.

Why Do We Forget to Pause?

I don’t know exactly why it’s so hard to pause before responding to something that is said – whether good or bad. After all, it only takes a few seconds to do.

Why then is pausing before speaking so hard?

In my case, it’s a knee-jerk reaction to defend myself. There have been times when an ambiguous or hurtful comment is made. I take offense and my gut reaction is to respond. But I’ve learned that sometimes what I think is an attack on my character isn’t really an attack at all. I may have just perceived it that way. Nonetheless, I want to set the record straight and take back control of the situation. And sometimes I feel the need to respond as a defense mechanism against what can often be uncomfortable — silence. For example, when a comment comes out of left field and I don’t know what to say, I have a habit of just talking. I’ll babble and explain in order to prevent an awkward silence.

But, sometimes silence is ok. Many times, it’s necessary. And, often it’s appropriate because it allows us to pause and decide whether or not to respond.

What Happens When We Don’t Pause?

I can only speak for myself, but when I don’t pause before responding, it sets a process in motion. It affects not only the conversation at hand but my overall mood. And, it doesn’t end there. When the conversation is over, that’s when the dialogue in my head begins. It’s like I’ve pushed the play button on a tape recorder in my mind where I rehearse what just happened. And the process continues. Eventually, I become the judge and jury analyzing the situation and weighing the outcome.

Maybe you’ve experienced this before too.

But, clearly this isn’t God’s way. 

Instead, it becomes a vicious cycle of hurt, regret, and unforgiveness. And, it’s a cycle I’d like to break.

In the moment before my response, I’m like a deer in headlights – alone with a bright light shining on my weaknesses for all the world to see. But what I often forget is that there’s someone who already knows my weaknesses. But he loves me anyway. And that person is God. So I don’t need to defend my honor or put myself or the other person on trial when someone makes a comment that is unpleasant. I’m not the judge or the jury. God has the final say.

I’m learning that God isn’t the only one I can rely on in these instances. I can call on the Blessed Mother and the Holy Spirit too.

The Example of Mary

When I think of pausing and reflecting, I think of Mary. Throughout scripture, Mary isn’t described as reacting or responding. Rather, she is often portrayed as ‘pondering’ and ‘reflecting.’ For example, after Jesus was born, the shepherds came to pay him homage and told her what they had heard about this newborn king. I wonder how she must have felt after giving birth and then having everyone flock to see Jesus knowing how special this child would be. In scripture, Mary didn’t respond or react to the visitors. Instead, she reflected.

 “And Mary kept all these things, reflecting on them in her heart.” (Luke 2:19 NIV)

Throughout her life, Mary took this approach of pausing and reflecting to what was going on around her. Instead of reacting to each new situation, she continually brought her concerns to God in prayer and let him take the lead.

This is a lesson I need to learn from Mary.

The Help of the Holy Spirit

Similarly, I’m learning that the Holy Spirit is a great resource to guide me in tough situations and also in everyday conversation.

I think of Jesus’ message to the disciples while they accompanied him as he was preaching. He explained to them that there would be those who would be for him and those who would be against him. The disciples would face these challenges as well. What was his message to them? He encouraged them to rely on the Holy Spirit for guidance.

“When you are brought before synagogues, rulers and authorities, do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say.” – Luke 12:11 (NIV).

The Holy Spirit was with the disciples. He would be their Advocate, their helper. And, there would be no need for them to be the judge or jury. That was a role that God would fill.

The same is true for me. The Blessed Mother and the Holy Spirit are my examples of peace and love and how to pause before responding and reacting.

Remembering We Are Not Alone

So, the next time I’m faced with a choice to respond or to pause, I hope and pray that I’ll choose the latter. I hope I’ll think of Mary and her gentle way of pondering and reflecting.

And, I hope I’ll call on the Holy Spirit to guide me in whether a response is needed. And, if so, to help me determine what to say. I can do this by simply praying these words — ‘Come Holy Spirit.’

And, when I know in advance that a conversation might be tense or awkward, I can quietly say ‘Holy Spirit please be in this conversation’ before the dialogue begins. This turns the situation over to God and puts the Holy Spirit at work.  Then, I can surrender the conversation to Jesus and leave the outcome to him.

How do you remember to take a pause before responding? Please share in the comments section below.